


La Douleur Exquise

by kinkunii



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Apocalypse, Alternate Universe - Zombie Apocalypse, Angst, First Kiss, Found Family, I'm Sorry, Love Confessions, M/M, ahh this hurts, it's angst august
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-15
Updated: 2020-08-15
Packaged: 2021-03-06 00:01:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,751
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25914049
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kinkunii/pseuds/kinkunii
Summary: Sometimes, you find love where it shouldn't be. It's painful and difficult, not everything works out, but some things do.
Relationships: Goshiki Tsutomu/Shirabu Kenjirou
Comments: 3
Kudos: 31





	La Douleur Exquise

**Author's Note:**

> enjoy~

Ten years ago, was when the apocalypse started. It happened out of nowhere and before everyone knew it, zombies were walking upon the Earth. Everyone was fearing for their lives and many died.

When Shirabu Kenjirou was thirteen years old, the end of the world begun. He lived for a while with others, at a camp. It was safe, he was safe. However, in this world safety can only last so long, and before he knew it, at the age of fifteen he was fleeing the camp by himself as a herd of the dead came. He lost his family that day, all of the friends he had made since this disaster began. His mother, father, four little sisters; he lost them all. Suddenly he had nothing.

Kenjirou was a lonely wanderer for many years, scavenging for food and water, avoiding every zombie possible. Only killing them when it was absolutely necessary for survival. He didn’t want to kill them unless it was crucial, he didn’t want to put himself at any unnecessary risk.

Kenjirou didn’t want to die. It was the one thing he feared the most. He didn’t know what was going to come after death. What it would feel like to die. How it would feel to become a zombie if when he died, his brain wasn’t damaged. It scared him, so Kenjirou decided to not put himself in danger. This included not joining other groups. Because ultimately, he would grow attached and they would die, making it more possible for himself to die. He had to be alone.

Kenjirou was adamant about being alone in this world. He wanted to be alone so when he found himself to be traveling around with a group, he was confused. Yet he loved them. He loved them a lot. They were almost like family. Two years of being alone and he found a new family. He knew he would regret becoming attached to these people.

They were a group of six before they took him in. Their names being Ushijima Wakatoshi, Tendou Satori, Semi Eita, Yamagata Hayato, Oohira Reon, and Kawanishi Taichi. They were an interesting group of people with interesting personalities and even more interesting chemistry.

He had never met people who were once strangers, be as close as they were. Kenjirou was scared at first to join them. The group had come across him one day at the grocery store he was hiding out in. He doesn’t know what made him agree to join them. But they looked strong and happy, almost like they were enjoying the life they were living. Up until that point all Kenjirou had been doing was surviving, his ultimate goal being to just survive another day. But he wanted to be happy too.

When Goshiki Tsutomu was twelve years old, the end of the world begun. He was just a kid and he was terrified. He didn’t know how he was supposed to live in a world like this. It was awful, he remembers his mother breaking down in the kitchen and his father clinging to her to calm her.

How was he supposed to make it in this world?

He was only a kid. He wasn’t big and strong like the people he’d see on television. How was he supposed to become strong and be able to protect his family? His father was strong but what would happen if he were to die?

Tsutomu feared nothing more than the loved ones around him dying. How was he supposed to live in a world without the people he loved? It seemed impossible to do so. He wasn’t strong and he was over-emotional and if the people who gave him strength weren’t in his life how was he supposed to be strong? His world would collapse if he were to lose his mother and father, after all, that is all he had left.

When Tsutomu was sixteen years old, his world collapsed around him. Years had passed and they’d been fine. He and his parents had been fine. They’d learned to survive, and he was growing strong. He knew how to fight, was learning how to protect his family. If only he had been stronger.

A surprise group of zombies attacked them one day. They weren’t prepared for it to happen, they thought they would be safe in the area they were in. They should’ve known that in the world now, nowhere was safe.

It had all happened too quickly, one minute his parents were fine and the next they weren’t. They were being torn apart by the dead. His mother’s shrilling screams filled the air as she was torn to bits. The light in her eyes slowly dimming as the pain devoured her. His father wasn’t doing much better, in fact, Tsutomu had been so focused on his mother to not even realize that his father was already dead.

His body was frozen. Hands shook as he collapsed to his knees. His worst nightmares came true. He didn’t know how to handle it. Traumatized, he doubled over and released a painful scream. He had no strength left. He just watched the people he loved most be torn to pieces in front of him, he’d gotten stronger, yet he still hadn’t been able to save them.

Nothing was left of him, he was empty, he didn’t care at that point if he died. A zombie grabbed his arm was about to bite it; he wasn’t even resisting. He prepared himself for the pain when it stopped and fell to the ground beside him. Behind it appeared a boy. A boy possibly only a little bit older than himself.

He had uneven copper-blond bangs and the prettiest eyes Tsutomu had ever seen. Not to mention there were freckles scattered across his face, almost like stars. Tsutomu looked at the boy, admiring his features before he noticed another six figures standing by the mystery boy. They looked strong and united. An irresistible force.

The scared boy looked at the figures, blinking tears from his eyes, before shakily speaking, “Who are you.”

A flamboyant redhead had stepped forward with a soft smile on his face, “Your new family.”

Since that day, the eight of them have been united. Tsutomu fit in perfectly with the group and he appreciated them being there for him. He grew to admire and love them all so much. They were unlike any people he’d ever met before.

The bond the eight of them grew to have was unbeatable. They were strong together.

Tsutomu loved them all but there was someone in particular he loved more than the rest. The mystery boy who had saved him that day: Shirabu Kenjirou.

They would often argue and bicker but there was no one the both of them were closer to, than each other. Even if Kenjirou acted like he was annoying most of the time, Tsutomu knew he cared. He could tell in the way Kenjirou would hold his face and wipe it clean if it was dirty. Or the way that Kenjirou cared for Tsutomu’s injuries more gently than he would any of the others in the group.

The group of eight was happy. Happiness was something that was hard to have in the current state of the world, but here they were. They found each other and with it, they found happiness.

Years passed together and they were happy, they had a solid camp where they stayed permanently, and they had each other. They’d joke around together and be like there wasn’t a zombie apocalypse going on in the world around them

However, when Tsutomu was twenty-one and Kenjirou was twenty-two things changed.

Wakatoshi, Satori, Eita, Reon and Hayato went on a scouting mission for supplies. It was a normal monthly thing that was done. Nothing bad had ever come out of it. Except this one time, they didn’t return. Taichi, Tsutomu and Kenjirou waited for weeks and weeks but they never returned to them, they never returned _home_.

Their group of eight became a group of three.

Tsutomu didn’t deal well with this. He lost loved ones again, he couldn’t stop blaming himself. Maybe he should’ve gone with them? He was supposed to protect the ones he loved.

On the night that they’d given up on the others, Tsutomu’s eyes were filled with tears. Tears that were painful and salty and left his eyes to swell. Tears that wouldn’t stop. Kenjirou held him that night. Held his body close to his and ran his fingers through his hair, rubbing soothing circles into his back with his hands. It was the first time that Tsutomu realised he loved Kenjirou a different way to the others. He only prayed that things couldn’t get worse.

Taichi left them. He left a note for them one night. Saying that without the others there they weren’t strong anymore and that he needed to find a new group of strong people. Internally, Taichi didn’t want to leave them but he wanted to survive and to survive he needed to be in a big group of strong people. He hoped one day that they would cross paths again.

To say Kenjirou was furious when Taichi left them was an understatement. Tsutomu had held him down from attempting to run after Taichi.

And then there was two.

Kenjirou was internally grateful for Tsutomu even if he was snapping at him a lot of the time. The way the other boy cared for him, sent Kenjirou into a spiral of emotions that he did not want to deal with. He didn’t want to care for the other boy so much, but he did. Tsutomu didn’t leave him, and he thinks maybe, just maybe he loved Tsutomu. And then, life continued on with just the two of them.

Tsutomu and Kenjirou are twenty-two and twenty-three years old. They are off on a scouting run together since they are running low on food stock and if they don’t find some soon, they will run out.

Currently, Tsutomu and Kenjirou are running away from a herd of zombies. It’s a struggle to outrun them. They don’t know where they came from but there’s an abundance of them and if they don’t make it somewhere safe, they will die. Kenjirou clutches Tsutomu’s wrist hard as they run. He is not letting either of them die. They’ve worked too hard at survival to die at this point.

With a sudden tug to his arm, Tsutomu is pulled backward out of Kenjirou’s grip. Kenjirou didn’t have time to think of a logical solution, the zombie was seconds away from biting Tsutomu’s arm. Kenjirou was not about to let the other boy die before he could tell him how he feels. Kenjirou runs towards Tsutomu, pushing him out of the way.

Because Kenjirou didn’t think, he was now in the clutches of multiple zombies. Tsutomu looks up from the ground to see Kenjirou surrounded with zombies, the older boy struggling to escape from their grips. He could see the frantic and terrified look on Kenjirou’s face.

A certain zombie was leaning closer and closer to Kenjirou’s shoulder. Kenjirou was stuck, he couldn’t move. He turns his head looking down at Tsutomu frozen on the ground. He mouths two words to the other boy, _‘I’m sorry_ ’.

With a loud yell, a zombie has firmly attached itself to the crook of Kenjirou’s neck. Blood spurts from his neck as a chunk of flesh is pulled away. The thick, red liquid streams down Kenjirou’s body, and his hand instinctively comes up and attempts to stop the bleeding.

Tsutomu saw it happen and tears began to pool in his eyes and a scream escapes his lips. He didn’t want to make the same mistake he did when he was sixteen. He at least wanted a body to bury.

Tsutomu clutches his knife firmly in his hand before charging for Kenjirou. He moves swiftly to stab the zombies attached to Kenjirou. He tears Kenjirou away from the zombies, noticing how the light in his golden eyes is quickly dimming. He grabs the boy, holding him bridal style and running as fast as he can to safety.

He enters an empty store; it seems secure and a place where they will be shielded from the herd. He lays the boy gently on the ground, hearing a whimper come from him.

“It hurts,” Kenjirou whimpers.

Tears are streaming from both their eyes now, Tsutomu brushes away the bangs from Kenjirou's forehead, “Don’t talk, save your energy.”

Kenjirou gathers up enough energy to position his head in Tsutomu’s lap. His hands grip Tustomu’s arm, his nails digging painfully deep into his skin. Tsutomu winces.

“I- I’m scared… I- I don’t want to die,” Kenjirou chokes out while fear clouds his eyes.

Tsutomu bows his head, “I don’t want you to leave me Kenjirou- w-why? You shouldn’t have done that.”

Kenjirou weakly smiles at him, shaking his head, “There was no way I was going to let your dumbass die,” he reaches his hand up and places it on Tsutomu’s face.

Blood is smeared on his face as Kenjirou caresses the other boy's face, smiling softly at him. He’s beginning to feel very faint, “Tsutomu.”

His voice was faint, barely above a whisper. Through his sobs, Tsutomu looks at him.

“I- I need to tell you something before I go.”

“D-don’t speak like that. You- You’re gonna be fine.”

Kenjirou shakes his head, “You and I both know that isn’t true.”

A loud sob leaves Tsutomu’s lips.

“Look at me,” Kenjirou whispers.

Tsutomu looks at him, he doesn’t want this. Even in this apocalyptic world, he wishes to grow old with Kenjirou.

“I wish I had the guts to do something about this sooner, b-but I love you.”

Tsutomu releases a shaky breath, “I-It sucks doesn’t it? How we could’ve been something but n-now we can’t,” Tsutomu chokes out.

Shirabu raises his eyebrows, hearing how the younger boy feels the same. Mustering up all the strength he can, he pulls Tsutomu down, connecting his lips with his.

It’s a warm feeling that envelopes between the two. Yet, it’s wet from the tears shared between them and withholds the sadness that they both feel. It’s awkward from the position they’re in and they’re noses keep on bumping, but ultimately, it’s perfect. They pull away from each other, staring into each other’s eyes, “Y’know, you're really beautiful Tsutomu, I-I wish we met under different circumstances.”

Tsutomu sobs, ugly sounding noises coming from his mouth. Kenjirou’s nails dig into him again and he looks at him with pleading eyes, “I-I’m scared. P-please hold me.”

Tsutomu lays down on the ground beside him and pulls the other boy closely to his chest. He can feel Kenjirou shivering and shaking, as if he is trying his best to not let go of the world of the living. Tsutomu brushes his hands through the messy locks of Kenjirou’s hair. He doesn’t want him to go, it hurts so much, he doesn’t want to say goodbye.

“It hurts so bad,” Kenjirou sobs.

Tsutomu hushes him, “I-It’s okay Kenji… close your eyes… I-It’s okay to let go.”

Kenjirou nods his head, closing his eyes. Smiling, he takes in the comforting feeling of Tsutomu one last time. The comforting feeling reminds him of the times when he was little and used to sit in front of the fireplace in his house during winter. Reading a book while his mother brought him hot chocolate covered in fresh whipped cream. How comforting that house felt, how it felt like home.

That home was long gone, now his home was Tsutomu.

Tsutomu feels the boy in his arms go lax, he doesn’t want to pull away, he doesn’t want to look at Kenjirou’s corpse. He doesn’t want to see the face that he’ll never see softly smile at him again or look at him with that _‘you’re a dumbass’_ expression.

He holds him even tighter, wishing that he could’ve met him under different circumstances, in a different life. A life that wasn’t filed with misery and despair. A life where they could’ve been happy.

Kenjirou was the one that was always there for him, now and forevermore, Kenjirou will always be his home, even if he isn’t with him anymore. Tsutomu tries to hold it in, he really does, but he can’t control the agonizing scream that is released from his lungs.

The group of eight has become one.

**Author's Note:**

> i-i'm sorry, i'm not gonna lie,,, i cried a lot while writing this. it was really painful, i don't know why. ahhh you might've noticed i'm killing a lot of people now and i'm sorry, you can blame twitter and angst august for that! 
> 
> uhh so basically i probably won't be posting any major character deaths for a while now,,, so prepare for lots of fluff!! 
> 
> anyways, join me on twitter @kinkunii!!


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